Dear Baby- 1
Hello, my sweet baby.
I often think of so many things I want to say to you, but as I sit here now on my bed, listening to Cage the Elephant- Back Against the Wall, I feel lost for words. I suppose it's my own fault. After all, it's not exactly the most inspiring song for writing to an unborn child. You'll hear it one day. I have plans to play as much music as I can for you to grow from so that you can be just like me in regards to musical repertoire.
The song has ended, and now I think I will put on some relaxing music, because this is not at all how I thought this post would go. It's just me idolising some romantic gesture of motherly love. At least it feels that way now, but earlier I had a lot of that sappy motherly love to give!
I've now picked a Youtube album I've never heard of called Rainy Days, by Spacemind.
Oh my sweet love. I know you will be spacey and other-worldly! I will try to keep us grounded, but I know I am not so grounded, myself. Your father is often dreamier and spacier than I am, but I think I make an effort not to be so spacey because I have my guard up in this crazy world and fear floating off into a world that allows the evils of this one to slip in and destroy me. Maybe I don't trust myself enough. Maybe I let the outside world affect me too much. This is something I want to teach you from an early age, something I have struggled with my whole life.
I remember from the age of 3 or 4, my best friend's birthday party. Her name was Korie. She had one of those blow up jumpy houses for all of us to play in. I was waiting outside of it, and I remember her saying, "You're so weird, Allie." She said it fondly, but it still made me panic. To think that my one best friend thought I was weird! That is the first moment I realised I cared too much about what others thought of me.
I have no idea how I will teach you to accept that everyone will have their opinions about you. I'm not even sure if that's what I need to teach you, for though I understand it myself, it doesn't take away my sensitivities. I will teach you to love yourself unconditionally, but I know I first must love myself unconditionally. Sometimes I get depressed, my little one. It's almost always circumstantial. In fact, I believe every occurrence has been due to a variety of factors, many of which were out of my control. Here is where you can see my conditional love: I believe that though those factors were out of my control, I should have been stronger than they. I should have not grown depressed. Unconditional love in this situation involves treating myself kindly, with infinite love and understanding. That is what we must do to survive, my child.
We must treat ourselves with endless love and empathy, so that we may give that love to those around us and create a loving environment. It is the balm of many woes.
Such crazy, spacey music I am listening to. At my finest I am spacey, for it is my natural element, and it will no doubt be yours, too. Daddy and I wanted to name you Solaris if you were a boy. The sensible part of me wants to pick Vincent to make your life a little easier. I know this world will take you more seriously if you have a sturdy, relatively normal name. I feel sad that I am letting the world influence my decisions, but I don't feel like I can play by my own rules. I feel forced into enacting in the charades of society. I want what is best for you, and what will make your life easiest, for it is not easy to stand out so obviously in this world. Only a small percentage of individuals succeed in using their unique identities to relate to others.
I already feel that you are such a defiant little thing. You chose to exist before we had planned, but you are not unanticipated or loved any less. We are more stressed, and we are saddened that we will have less time to grow solely as a couple, but it really all balances out in the end, doesn't it? If you're born a little earlier, you leave the nest a little earlier. We haven't lost time together, and we will find creative ways to make time together.
I know we will all grow as a family and explore the wonders of the earth with new eyes. Six instead of four. Three hearts instead of two. You are my joy already, even though I am incredibly anxious and ever so sad to be away from your father. It is right for me to go back to South Africa to be with him. Every bit of stress I encounter I worry affects you against my will. Every time I cry or get angry or anxious I worry it is ruining your development, which only makes things worse. It is a negative cycle.
The other album was too techno-spacey for my liking. There's spacey, and there's strange, futuristic/industrialised 'spacey' music. It was the latter. I am now listening to something meant to let go of fear, overthinking, and worries. I will probably play this a lot the next year. It's soothing and cool purple and white. The perfect calming colours.
I am excited to sing to you and play my bassoon for you. I am excited to teach you how to read and how to write music, and how to sing, and how to do cart wheels, and how to ride a bike. Although, if you're like me, you won't let me teach you how to ride a bike. I wouldn't let my mom. I let my neighbour help, but I wouldn't let my own mother!
I hope you love me. I hope you love me into adulthood and want to be near me. I hope I do a good job at raising you and don't disappoint you too much. It's so hard experiencing all that I am experiencing, without my own mom, without your dad, with so few friends close by. I can't tell if I'm crumbling or melting. It seems like both. My mind is crumbling, my heart is melting. Sometimes I lay on the sofa and look at nothing because I am so lonely and miserable.
I wanted to be selfless and find a job to make money to support you, yet here I am, still jobless. Jobless, feeling nauseous and unable to eat, and so lonely and sad. And now I feel more than anything that it won't be selfless if I give up searching for a job and go back to your father. I am not happy here. I can't be happy here while waiting for this visa to get finished. I can't be happy wasting the final months of not being parents. I must go back and be with him. My happiness and health are at stake. Once the nausea passes and I get everything taken care of here, I will go be with him for a few months. He will then come back to me in December, as long as the petition doesn't interfere with those plans.
I am getting sleepy and do not even know if this is to you or not, baby. It feels good to talk to someone, and to direct much love to you, even if you wouldn't understand most of what I've said.
For now, I shall join you in slumber.
I often think of so many things I want to say to you, but as I sit here now on my bed, listening to Cage the Elephant- Back Against the Wall, I feel lost for words. I suppose it's my own fault. After all, it's not exactly the most inspiring song for writing to an unborn child. You'll hear it one day. I have plans to play as much music as I can for you to grow from so that you can be just like me in regards to musical repertoire.
The song has ended, and now I think I will put on some relaxing music, because this is not at all how I thought this post would go. It's just me idolising some romantic gesture of motherly love. At least it feels that way now, but earlier I had a lot of that sappy motherly love to give!
I've now picked a Youtube album I've never heard of called Rainy Days, by Spacemind.
Oh my sweet love. I know you will be spacey and other-worldly! I will try to keep us grounded, but I know I am not so grounded, myself. Your father is often dreamier and spacier than I am, but I think I make an effort not to be so spacey because I have my guard up in this crazy world and fear floating off into a world that allows the evils of this one to slip in and destroy me. Maybe I don't trust myself enough. Maybe I let the outside world affect me too much. This is something I want to teach you from an early age, something I have struggled with my whole life.
I remember from the age of 3 or 4, my best friend's birthday party. Her name was Korie. She had one of those blow up jumpy houses for all of us to play in. I was waiting outside of it, and I remember her saying, "You're so weird, Allie." She said it fondly, but it still made me panic. To think that my one best friend thought I was weird! That is the first moment I realised I cared too much about what others thought of me.
I have no idea how I will teach you to accept that everyone will have their opinions about you. I'm not even sure if that's what I need to teach you, for though I understand it myself, it doesn't take away my sensitivities. I will teach you to love yourself unconditionally, but I know I first must love myself unconditionally. Sometimes I get depressed, my little one. It's almost always circumstantial. In fact, I believe every occurrence has been due to a variety of factors, many of which were out of my control. Here is where you can see my conditional love: I believe that though those factors were out of my control, I should have been stronger than they. I should have not grown depressed. Unconditional love in this situation involves treating myself kindly, with infinite love and understanding. That is what we must do to survive, my child.
We must treat ourselves with endless love and empathy, so that we may give that love to those around us and create a loving environment. It is the balm of many woes.
Such crazy, spacey music I am listening to. At my finest I am spacey, for it is my natural element, and it will no doubt be yours, too. Daddy and I wanted to name you Solaris if you were a boy. The sensible part of me wants to pick Vincent to make your life a little easier. I know this world will take you more seriously if you have a sturdy, relatively normal name. I feel sad that I am letting the world influence my decisions, but I don't feel like I can play by my own rules. I feel forced into enacting in the charades of society. I want what is best for you, and what will make your life easiest, for it is not easy to stand out so obviously in this world. Only a small percentage of individuals succeed in using their unique identities to relate to others.
I already feel that you are such a defiant little thing. You chose to exist before we had planned, but you are not unanticipated or loved any less. We are more stressed, and we are saddened that we will have less time to grow solely as a couple, but it really all balances out in the end, doesn't it? If you're born a little earlier, you leave the nest a little earlier. We haven't lost time together, and we will find creative ways to make time together.
I know we will all grow as a family and explore the wonders of the earth with new eyes. Six instead of four. Three hearts instead of two. You are my joy already, even though I am incredibly anxious and ever so sad to be away from your father. It is right for me to go back to South Africa to be with him. Every bit of stress I encounter I worry affects you against my will. Every time I cry or get angry or anxious I worry it is ruining your development, which only makes things worse. It is a negative cycle.
The other album was too techno-spacey for my liking. There's spacey, and there's strange, futuristic/industrialised 'spacey' music. It was the latter. I am now listening to something meant to let go of fear, overthinking, and worries. I will probably play this a lot the next year. It's soothing and cool purple and white. The perfect calming colours.
I am excited to sing to you and play my bassoon for you. I am excited to teach you how to read and how to write music, and how to sing, and how to do cart wheels, and how to ride a bike. Although, if you're like me, you won't let me teach you how to ride a bike. I wouldn't let my mom. I let my neighbour help, but I wouldn't let my own mother!
I hope you love me. I hope you love me into adulthood and want to be near me. I hope I do a good job at raising you and don't disappoint you too much. It's so hard experiencing all that I am experiencing, without my own mom, without your dad, with so few friends close by. I can't tell if I'm crumbling or melting. It seems like both. My mind is crumbling, my heart is melting. Sometimes I lay on the sofa and look at nothing because I am so lonely and miserable.
I wanted to be selfless and find a job to make money to support you, yet here I am, still jobless. Jobless, feeling nauseous and unable to eat, and so lonely and sad. And now I feel more than anything that it won't be selfless if I give up searching for a job and go back to your father. I am not happy here. I can't be happy here while waiting for this visa to get finished. I can't be happy wasting the final months of not being parents. I must go back and be with him. My happiness and health are at stake. Once the nausea passes and I get everything taken care of here, I will go be with him for a few months. He will then come back to me in December, as long as the petition doesn't interfere with those plans.
I am getting sleepy and do not even know if this is to you or not, baby. It feels good to talk to someone, and to direct much love to you, even if you wouldn't understand most of what I've said.
For now, I shall join you in slumber.
Comments
Post a Comment