A New Beginning: First Ultrasound
I have been meaning to start writing my experiences, but with the visa petitioning and job searching and travelling and visiting my niece who just had her baby, I've felt too overwhelmed to sit down and take the time for myself.
Today is a new beginning- one in which I cherish deeply and take delight in experiencing. We had our first ultrasound today, and the baby is 8 weeks and 3 days, as expected. I got to hear the heartbeat and see him/her move. S/he moved inside of me without my knowing. Little heart beating away in rapid anticipation of life. As I sit here I cannot believe the life that is inside of me. I am so touched by the gift of divine creation, and am so blessed to have made such a creation with a soul whose origins were forged from the same star as mine.
I am sad to be in a faraway country during such a special time, and yet I feel close to him. I half expected- okay, I completely expected- to be sad and to feel alone in his absence, yet our little one has provided me with great comfort and peace in knowing that we will soon be together.
Today I finished the I129F fiance petition and mailed it in, and now it is a waiting game in which I pray will be sooner rather than later. I feel more relaxed now than I have in weeks. In fact, I even felt peaceful last night, even (dare I say) happy. I was so excited to go to the doctor's and witness the concreteness of life within me. I kept smiling in amazement and sheer wonder. We're going to have a baby. Our baby.
Our baby will be blessed with so much love and support. Baby will be smart and kind with parents like us. I am so excited to grow with our little bean. To teach baby all that I can and give all that I am.
While life hadn't exactly grown predictable, my personal experiences and interpretation of myself had been so constant and unoriginal. Now that I am experiencing something completely and totally new, I've already had the opportunity to learn more about myself. From the terrors of having to leave the love of my life just mere days after discovering we had created, to the horrible discomfort and strange sensations I've recently acquired, it has not been easy.
In some ways, my reactions to these experiences were extremely dark. I said things I never thought I'd say, thought things I'd never think in a right mind. And I knew it, even if it felt like I was coming from a true place. I could feel the darkness, and I could remember all that I had believed in prior to such a shocking situation. I oscillated between extreme excitement and extreme horror. I wanted the baby and was so excited, and then I didn't want it and was so frightened. But the fear I experienced was not due to lack of love. It was due to the thought of experiencing our first child without the love of my life by my side. It was due to the thought of having little income and my struggles to find work and get insured. It was due to harsh, even hateful self-judgement and feeling embarrassed for having not waited just a mere 8 months longer.
This was a test, of course. I had the insight to know that I was strong enough to go through this, even if it meant being away from my love. Even if it meant having to depend on my family, which makes me feel extremely guilty. But here I am, excited to be 25 and creating my first child. I'm excited to be old enough to have experienced many worldly adventures, and I'm excited to be young enough to handle the challenges and demands of my ever-changing body.
I know that, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and relationship-wise, having a baby is not holding me back. My only two concerns are being away from the wonderful father of my child, and not having the financial capacity to independently support our little blessing.
I have two degrees, and I'm proud that I completed my Masters and did not jeopardise my education. I am only saddened by how difficult it has been to find a job. I am a hard worker, and I have been searching and applying to well over a hundred jobs off and on for 5+ months. Now more than ever I need a source of income. I want to give our baby the best opportunity at life as possible.
Today is a new beginning- one in which I cherish deeply and take delight in experiencing. We had our first ultrasound today, and the baby is 8 weeks and 3 days, as expected. I got to hear the heartbeat and see him/her move. S/he moved inside of me without my knowing. Little heart beating away in rapid anticipation of life. As I sit here I cannot believe the life that is inside of me. I am so touched by the gift of divine creation, and am so blessed to have made such a creation with a soul whose origins were forged from the same star as mine.
I am sad to be in a faraway country during such a special time, and yet I feel close to him. I half expected- okay, I completely expected- to be sad and to feel alone in his absence, yet our little one has provided me with great comfort and peace in knowing that we will soon be together.
Today I finished the I129F fiance petition and mailed it in, and now it is a waiting game in which I pray will be sooner rather than later. I feel more relaxed now than I have in weeks. In fact, I even felt peaceful last night, even (dare I say) happy. I was so excited to go to the doctor's and witness the concreteness of life within me. I kept smiling in amazement and sheer wonder. We're going to have a baby. Our baby.
Our baby will be blessed with so much love and support. Baby will be smart and kind with parents like us. I am so excited to grow with our little bean. To teach baby all that I can and give all that I am.
While life hadn't exactly grown predictable, my personal experiences and interpretation of myself had been so constant and unoriginal. Now that I am experiencing something completely and totally new, I've already had the opportunity to learn more about myself. From the terrors of having to leave the love of my life just mere days after discovering we had created, to the horrible discomfort and strange sensations I've recently acquired, it has not been easy.
In some ways, my reactions to these experiences were extremely dark. I said things I never thought I'd say, thought things I'd never think in a right mind. And I knew it, even if it felt like I was coming from a true place. I could feel the darkness, and I could remember all that I had believed in prior to such a shocking situation. I oscillated between extreme excitement and extreme horror. I wanted the baby and was so excited, and then I didn't want it and was so frightened. But the fear I experienced was not due to lack of love. It was due to the thought of experiencing our first child without the love of my life by my side. It was due to the thought of having little income and my struggles to find work and get insured. It was due to harsh, even hateful self-judgement and feeling embarrassed for having not waited just a mere 8 months longer.
This was a test, of course. I had the insight to know that I was strong enough to go through this, even if it meant being away from my love. Even if it meant having to depend on my family, which makes me feel extremely guilty. But here I am, excited to be 25 and creating my first child. I'm excited to be old enough to have experienced many worldly adventures, and I'm excited to be young enough to handle the challenges and demands of my ever-changing body.
I know that, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and relationship-wise, having a baby is not holding me back. My only two concerns are being away from the wonderful father of my child, and not having the financial capacity to independently support our little blessing.
I have two degrees, and I'm proud that I completed my Masters and did not jeopardise my education. I am only saddened by how difficult it has been to find a job. I am a hard worker, and I have been searching and applying to well over a hundred jobs off and on for 5+ months. Now more than ever I need a source of income. I want to give our baby the best opportunity at life as possible.
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